I paused for a moment. My mind was spiraling in ambivalence. I scoured it trying to connect dots and missing pieces. I could see the big picture so clearly when I started. All of a sudden everything turned to shit in my hands. As I focused on the big picture, I couldn’t see the mess I made in front of me. I could not continue like this. Seriously, try writing something with no form of concepts. It’s just symbols on a page.
We don’t like to admit it right? Because usually when you admit it, people take this as the opportunity to pose as an authority over you. They form a story about you and offer to write your next line, on and on with unsolicited advice. Only amplifying the shameful feeling of what you really don’t want to admit. Next, you’re in a mad scrabble to think your way out of this, looking to the past and the future for solutions. As if time traveling through the mind ever got anyone out of a present predicament. It gets like this.
If you find yourself here, you’ve officially earned an L. And I know you don’t want to take it but that label is yours. Here’s why you should take it.
I’m going to sum up my hectic week into a brief anecdote. After a messy week of bullshit, I’m covered in it, reeking of the smell. Every time someone asked about my wellbeing, I assumed they must have smell the shit I went through. All my interactions were emotionally taxing because I was obsessed. And after a week, I was sick and tired. My new obsession became cleansing myself from the shit I was carrying. I realized that the only thing that stopped me from getting the shit off of me was my pride. I didn’t want to admit that I was shitted on. Who wants that label? This is a hilarious and terrible anecdote, but I hope it’s ridiculousness can show you how ridiculous we humans can be sometimes. I literally stopped my happiness because of my pride. Fuck that and that’s the end of the anecdote.
I will take the L. The L stands for any form of loss or feeling lost. I’m at a loss of words, time, old values and trust. I should be with all my experiences as a growing being.
I will change and will not always know. And that’s okay. Ignorance is not the problem, but believing that you are supposed to know is. It’s important that when feeling stuck, that lethargic hopeless feeling, that one does not allow themselves to stray. It’s natural to move away from discomfort, but every feeling offers truth. Acknowledge the feeling and do not betray yourself by believing that there’s something wrong. The feeling is evident of the truth of ignorance or uncertainty. Now take the L, acknowledge the shit you’re in and don’t move until you are certain.
If you’re like me and your issue is patience, realize that it’s not a matter of patience, but control. Be lost because that is all you have at this moment. That is what’s in your control, presently. Get lost in the new, learn and take from it until you have enough of what you need to make what you want.
And as for myself, I have gained so much experience and it will only strengthen the concepts in my story. I’ve also craft a sound track for myself and those who are in transition. Music therapy is a divine healer and I offer it to you for journey. Enjoy!