I dreamt I was submerged past my ears in a river. My canals filled with water, the vibrations of fluidity overcomes me. It takes me as I am... looking to the sky, head in the clouds. I gently float down the stream. Calm. This makes me happy.
To translate, I aspire live with relaxed focus, gentle support, dreaming and trusting in my direction.
How easy it seems to float. Some people fall in the water and come right back up with a smile like the water is a blast. Like magicians.
Some people fall into the water and put up a fight. Their minds scream for the water’s obedience. And the water continues to hold them until they drown.
The anxiety of wondering which person I will be sends me to research.
I begin to study people who float. I fashion myself, light, so when I jump in I'll float too. Yet, I walk on concrete, lay on beds and dream of floating. As I study the floaters, the ones who are on their way, I realize how they do it. The key is giving over the control. Well I done got used to domestication. A life without control seems empty. I've set up shallow pools of instant gratification whenever I need to play with fluidity.
I think about where I come from and realize I was born and taught exercises to tightly wind myself for making life easier to take. I have been tense since elementary. Being limber leaves room to feel pain. But being tense makes me sink and sets me up to drown. So in essence I was raised to drown. What fuckery.
But I don't want to because who wants to. So how do I give over control? This is such a foreign concept to black women seeing what 300 years plus of no control has done. I cling to control in revolt.
Even now, my mind tries to piece together some way for me to get around this truth. I try to think of ways that I can forego control without ever having to.
It's a hard truth to learn that there’s no such thing as floating with control. And I am owning that and where I am and the lessons it takes for me to be able to float. And I’ve found Wu Wei on time to help me understand how to become quiet. Los Angeles is loud and hyper-stimulating. We run on knee-jerk reaction after knee-jerk reaction. All suffering panic attacks due to the strongholds we have over our lives that are all temporary. We’ve been fooled into pretending like we know what we’re doing because we think pretending to be happy is the only way to be happy.
My friends know I do not like pretending. And I always want the real thing. I deserve the best. And in my life I’ve learned that the best things are natural. And I’m not going to pretend.
This year is for me to practice the art of just being. Being without or being with. Floating. Peacefully and in harmony with my own flow. In Taoism, they call this principle Wu Wei translating to “not forcing.” Only then can I let my intuition lead and find I am the river with forces that can move through all things and crack rocks. When I become the river, I won’t think about floating and then find myself floating.